I'm Feelin' Kinda Good Tonight
by hayleyx
Summary: Fluffy JAM oneshot, season two. Pam's POV. Pam wonders how she is feeling about her engagement, and whether Jim has anything to do with her sudden change of heart. Spoilers for the Client and Casino Night. Disclaimer: I don't own anything.


Clocks tick slower at Dunder Mifflin.

Why hadn't someone measured this? It was so obviously true, Pam thought to herself. She had only been at work for a few hours, yet it seemed like she had been answering phones for weeks. She twisted her engagement ring in frustration, a habit she had grown accustomed to over the past three years. Pam had taken it off only once before, when washing the dishes, and the feeling was too strange. She felt oddly anxious, as if the ring was more than a mere symbol of her relationship with Roy, it was non-existent without it.

Her thoughts were interrupted as Jim hung up the phone, having just closed a sale. He caught her eye and grinned, and she felt that same sensation. She tugged at her ring, reminding herself that it was still there; she was still safe.

He wandered over to her desk. "How's my favourite receptionist today?" He looked so boyishly happy; Pam wondered how big the sale had been. His eyes were bright and she wished that she could share his enthusiasm. She hated being the one to make him unhappy, and she felt like she did this alarmingly often.

"If good means being trapped in an office with an endless amount of calls to transfer, then yes, I'm great." She saw his smile falter for a second and she quickly added, "But I see you've been having fun, did some cute purse girl buy paper from you?" She wondered in a moment of panic if she had taken their careless joking too far. She studied his face, looking for an answer.

He looked momentarily troubled, and then he laughed and answered, "Am I that transparent, Beesly? You caught me. _Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that..._" They laughed at the memory of Dwight trying to seduce Katy, the salesgirl who had stopped by the office about a year ago, by buying a purse from her.

Pam laughed wholeheartedly as she admired Jim's ability to save them from a potential moment of awkwardness. She had almost stated her jealously for the pretty redhead; a jealousy that she wasn't quite sure existed. The way they had flirted in the conference room made her stomach turn, but she was still unsure what that meant. When she talked to Jim, she felt so... special. When she saw that same expression of joy on another girl's face, she was always slightly envious. She and Jim were friends. They see other people, they lead other lives; they just distract each other weekdays from 9 to 5.

_"Some might say we had our first date last night," Jim offered mischievously._

_"Oh, really?"_

_"Really."_

_"Why might some say that?"_

_"Cause there was dinner, by candlelight. Dinner and a show, if you count Michael's movie. And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date."_

_"We didn't dance." Pam countered. She timidly wondered where this was going._

_"You're right, we didn't dance, it was more like swaying. But still romantic." He had taken it too far. Didn't he see the ring on her finger?_

_"Swaying isn't dancing."_

Pam regretted shooting him down so fiercely. So vivid was her memory of this day she had to take a deep breath to calm herself. Swaying was dancing, and they both knew it; but she was engaged. They could have a thousand "dates" but Roy would still be there, waiting at the end of the aisle on June 10th.

As the day finally came to a close, Jim tapped on her desk, an almost goodbye. They would be seeing each other in a few hours, as that night was the "Casino Night," a fundraiser Michael had come up with that actually sounded fun. Pam had bought a new dress especially for the occasion. It was so unlike her to buy something so fancy, but she knew it would be perfect. She wanted to look nice, and maybe mixing things up a little was a good thing.

"Wow, nice dress," Roy whistled that night as they were leaving the house. He looked surprised. She had put on a little make-up, and had put in slightly more effort than she usually would. However, her hair was up in her signature clip, the one sign that she didn't take tonight too seriously. Still, she knew that it would be something to remember, even for just playing a few rounds of poker with her coworkers in their decorated paper warehouse. Fancy, indeed.

When they entered, she spotted Jim immediately. He looked so handsome in his black sweater, she blushed. How could she think these things? She scolded herself. Suddenly she missed home, and wished temporarily to be there, eating ice cream and watching TV. But then, her more dominant wish won over and she went over to talk to him, as Roy met up with the other warehouse workers.

The stood talking for a long time, but they were here to gamble. He made her laugh so easily, she loved the way they seemed to feed off each other; oblivious to the world around them as they chatted about everything they could think of. She loved the way his big hangs clumsily held his cards, so in proportion to the rest of him yet so disproportionate everything else. He made her feel so tiny, but the confidence he gave her when he looked at her the way he did made her forget all of her insecurities. He was just Jim, and she was just Pam, and together, they were unstoppable.

Roy walked over to their table, interrupting their game. "I think I'm going go to now, do you want to come? I'm sorry, I'm just so tired." Pam was having far too much fun to even consider leaving that early, so she declined.

"You can go, I'll just get a ride with Angela or something," she answered. The three of them walked awkwardly to the parking lot. "Hey Pam, don't try and lose too much money, if you still want a honeymoon." She laughed. "I'll see you at home."

As Roy was pulling out of the parking lot he called to Jim, "Hey Halpert, keep an eye on her alright?"

"Will do," he waved.

Pam was so happy she almost skipped over to her friend. But Jim wasn't sharing her moment, and she could tell. "Hey, can I talk to you about something?" he asked. He looked so lost; she tried to play the role he normally would, by saving them with playful teasing. Everything about him was so serious. She just wanted everything to be okay again; for him to smile down at her like he always did.

"About when you wanted to give you some more of your money in poker? Did you want to do that now, or should we go inside? I'm feeling kinda good tonight." Something was wrong.

"I was just... I'm in love with you."

Pam's stomach dropped. "What?"

"I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just..."

Every word sent her heard spinning. How long had he been feeling this way? Why had he decided to tell her? Did she feel the same? How could he do this to her? She didn't say any of this, and chose instead, "What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?

"I just needed you to know. Once." The look on his face was enough to break her heart. Processing the words he said almost killed her.

"Well, I um... I... I can't. You have no idea..."

"Don't do that."

"..What your friendship means to me."

"Come on, I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that."

"I can't. I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault." She couldn't tell if it was a lie or if she was telling the truth.

"It's not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship." He wiped a tear from his cheek and her eyes threatened to spill. He turned away, and Pam wondered if they could ever be the same. She loved him; he was her best friend. Maybe he was right, maybe they could be more. All of a sudden, it felt like the ring on her left hand was shrinking, imprisoning her finger. Pam felt so claustrophobic, so trapped, so helpless; she slipped the ring off her finger and clutched it tightly for a second before slipping it into her small bag.

All of a sudden, she needed to tell someone about this. She felt so overwhelmed; she was desperately alone. She broke down in the elevator on the way up to the office, and crumpled to the floor. Everything would be so different now.

For some reason, Pam felt the need to use Jim's desk phone instead of her own. The small comfort of something of his against her head made her want to dial his number instead of her mother's, but she didn't dare.

She explained the situation to the one person who she knew would love her at the end of it, despite the confusion she felt about the biggest decision of her life.

"I had always seen it in the way he looked at you," Pam smiled at her mom's observation, because she knew it to be true. She loved the way he looked at her. "Are you in love with him?"

"I think I am," she replied. Pam guiltily thought of the ring stashed in her purse. She hated change almost as much as confrontation, and both had shown up in this night of mixed emotions.

Suddenly, Jim walked in. She quickly said goodbye and hung up the phone. His head was down and his hands were in his pockets, but when he approached her, he pulled her close to him and kissed her softly.

For the second time that evening, she was in a daze. Flashing through her mind were the times he had come to her desk to joke with her, the teapot he had given her for Secret Santa that year, the games of Who Would You Do and Desert Island in the parking lot, and a many more memories. At the same time, the only things she could concentrate on were his lips against hers, his hands on her waist, and the amazing way he smelled.

Was she in love with him? He was her best friend. They played pranks together instead of working. She confided in him about her life, about Roy. He supported her artwork when it seemed no one else believed in her. She knew he would give her a house with a terrace someday, even if they didn't make houses like that in Scranton. Pam couldn't remember the last time she was so sure of something, but here he was; here they were. She felt her heart flutter in her chest. This was real. He was her best friend, and she loved him with all her heart.


End file.
